It has been the longest year. I feel as though I spent the first six months trapped indoors waiting for Baby T to arrive what with being unable to walk very far. That is a huge test with a toddler if ever there was one! Poor A. It made me tremendously sad to not be able to get out with her, to not take her on the train, to the beach or even to push her on the swings. It proved to be the source of a melancholy thats presided over the whole year.
Once Baby T arrived there was a new set of obstacles to address and not long after he joined us A started pre-school. I think I felt as though I had lost my little girl a little bit and she changed so much its been hard to transition. We had tantrums and door slamming and name calling all from a 3 year old! It was awful. She wouldn't sleep, she was miserable and moody and fed up (not that disimiliar to us!) but after a couple of months and constant struggles it seems to have all settled down and she is back to her self-and back to not behaving like one of those supernanny horrors!
It has been a hard year.
I am brave enough to say that, actually, i've not really enjoyed it. Of course there have been high points; Baby T was born for one and for that 2012 will never be forgotten, but all the stuff around his arrival? not that great.
I have struggled. I have struggled with how I feel and I have struggled with who I am. I have felt worthless and not very good at my stay at home role and I have felt despondent about the future. and its with much guilt that I say I have felt ashamed. When people ask what I do, I stutter and make it an issue before I've even opened my mouth to answer...this isn't because I don't have a career or a job I enjoy; I know if I was working, as I have done, I would spend every minute wishing I was with my children. This feeling, I know, lies solely at my door, no matter how much I try to blame societies skewed views on stay at home mums. It's exhausting have two children, I always knew it would be, I suppose I just didn't expect the exhaustion to be all encompassing!
However, there is a new year ahead and I plan to start again. To start the days enthusiastically, to get organised, to enjoy my volunteering, to focus on the moments-not the daunting big picture!...I also need to take some time for life outside the family unit, or at least combat the tiredness so that I can! I have some lovely friends who still text and call in vain until they finally receive a reply from a frazzled me, and even lovelier ones who insist on me leaving the house to eat with them or simply let me walk around in circles outside talking nonsense on the phone to them. It keeps me sane!
Happy New Year Everyone! Good luck with all those resolutions! x